I have a public confession to make. One of my habitual sins I constantly struggle with, especially as I get older, is the deadly sin of ENVY. I should be content with the blessings God's given me, right? I mean, I'm much better off than a lot of other people. I own my own home as a single woman. I'm steadily employed. I'm a mommy to an adorable little dachshund. People tell me I have a gift for writing. Moreover, I belong to a loving and supportive family. I can't ignore the fact that my Catholic faith is a huge centering point in my life, too. So, why am I so riddled with envy? Why can't I just get over it and stop comparing myself to others?
I think a lot of my envy stems from not feeling like I've lived up to my full potential. I think I've disappointed God is so many ways! I reflect on the terrible choices I made in my younger years at a crucial time when I should have better developed my social and intellectual skills, saved my money wisely, and learned to deal with struggles and frustrations prudently.
On Easter Monday, I will be turning a decade older - the Big 40. I'm freaking out! I've examined my accomplishments as well as disappointments. If I had made alternative choices, maybe I'd be in a more lucrative career with a devoted husband and a house full of youngsters. Why didn't I do things differently? Emotional immaturity left me in confusion and doubt for way too long. I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I'd have all of the time in the world to decide. Yet, the years have progressed along faster and faster with more gray hairs forming in the aging process. My youth is fleeting, so now I'm much more "observant" of others around me. I look at their physical appearance, their marital status, their accomplishments, and their financial means. I ridicule myself for not having what these "perfect" people have! The questions run over and over in my mind:
"Why can't I be wealthy like the beautiful and successful 40-something woman executive? Why can't I be married for 20+ years like Mr. & Mrs. So & So? Why can't I be a popular speaker and writer? Why can't I be recognized and promoted by my own company I've been completely devoted to?"
While meditating on the Gospel readings during this Lenten season, it seems like so many people were envious of Jesus. They witnessed his miracles. They observed his growing popularity and devotion. They were confused, perplexed and amazed by his teachings and good works. How many of these people secretly wanted what Jesus possessed? How many of the Pharisees and Scribes became envious because they saw Jesus' "blasphemy" as something more desirable and transforming?
I've thought of ways to elevate the envy from the mind and heart. It involves a change in thinking patterns:
- Think positively! List the blessings in your life. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have.
- Stop comparing yourself to others! Be happy and content with the unique person God created: YOU!
- Keep striving to better yourself. Don't give in to self pity!
- Meditate & Pray! Prayer is a terrific way of transferring negative envy into positive love.
- Appreciate the accomplishments of others. Remember that God blesses each one of us with special talents. Most likely something you're good at the person you envy isn't so great at!
- Find ways to educate yourself and continuously learn. A bored, depressed mind is more prone to envy. Discover ways to enhance your own God-given talents.
- Regularly examine your conscience. Don't be afraid to visit the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Allow God's forgiveness and mercy to heal you.
During this Holy Week, let us take our minds away from envious thoughts. Focus on Our Lord crucified! Ponder his pain and agony. Realize that the trivial envy we may "feel" is nothing like what our Lord experienced. Celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord this coming Easter Sunday!
-J.
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