Oh, Foolish Soul

As part of my Advent observance, I am reading The Confessions of St. Augustine.  This is the third attempt to read the classic in its entirety.  I find it a challenging read, especially because of the old writing style and incredible depth of wisdom. 

Last night I came across Book 4, Chapter XI, 16.  Wow, these beautiful words spoke to my own heart:

"Be not foolish, O my soul, and do not let the tumult of your vanity deafen the ear of your heart.  Be attentive.  The Word itself calls you to return, and with him is a place of unpeturbed rest, where love is not forsaken unless it first forsakes.  Behold, these things pass away that others may come to be in their place.  Thus even this lowest level of unity may be made complete in all its parts.  'But do I ever pass away?" asks the Word of God.  Fix the habitation in him.  Oh my soul, commit whatsoever you have to him.  Commit to truth whatever you have received from the truth and you will lose nothing.  What is decayed will flourish again; your diseases will be healed; your perishable parts shall be reshaped and renovated, and made whole again in you.  And these perishable things will not carry you with them down to where they go when they perish, but shall stand and abide, and you with them, before God, who abides and continues forever."

Overall, 2015 has been an excellent year!  I sold my home, bought a new car, and stashed away a fully stocked emergency fund.  I have downsided to more affordable living with only a 9 minute commute to work.  I am thankful for these blessings. 

However, I feel like my own soul is on a ventilator right now, clinging to spiritual life.  Despite everything God blessed me with I still long for more.  My soul still weeps and moans as it grasps for air.  She is lonely, sad, and frustrated.  She feels misunderstood and oftentimes unwanted in such a competitive world.

My soul longs for attention and love.  She craves just one other soul to tell her she is beautiful and cherished.  Yet, other souls appear too wrapped up in their own vanity to care.  The thing is My soul prays for their souls.  Do they honestly pray for mine? 

I hear the words "I will pray for you" so often. But, I much rather experience a physical connection.  Jennifer, why don't we have breakfast or lunch together.  Why don't we go see a movie together.  Yes, I pray for you but that is not all I am here for.  Prayers do a lot of good but total physical presence, taking the time out of our busy schedules to relate, is even better.

Good ol' Saint Augustine - talk about a long conversion process.  It took him a full life time for him to experience the Truth.  His own soul experienced doubts and insecurities, vanity and more vanity.  Yet, he eventually got it.  His foolish soul became one of the greatest most influential souls in Church History.  Thanks be to God.

-J.