Down in the Doldrums

Thursday of the 2nd Week of Advent

I am the LORD, your God, who grasp your right hand; It is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I will help you.”   - Isaiah 41:13-20

A large pile of Autumn leaves blankets my apartment's garage driveway. The landscaping crew bagged up all of the leaves from the nearby units.  They forgot about my side of the building....

As I observe these dead leaves, so full of greenless color, I am reminded of my own dying self.  This has been an intense month with emotions sinking deeper and deeper into the ground.  Like a decaying leaf, I am blown off from the tree of life by the wind.  I desire to be a part of the sturdy wood again.  Yet, my anxiety and depression keeps me more focused on everything so wrong....

I feel more at ease staying at home away from the holiday parties and the mad shoppers.  I feel more comfortable sleeping in my bed so that I do not have to think about my life - the stagnation, the repeated letdowns, the loneliness.

When I lived in my home, I used a mulcher to manicure my leaf littered lawn.  Then I'd carefully add the crushed leaves back to my flower beds, providing nutrients to my shrubs.  Sadly, I cannot do that here in my rented community.   I can bag up the fallen leaves myself.  Obviously,the landscaping crew won't bother.  However, those large Bradford pear leaves still keep falling, falling, falling down....

People don't quite understand why I am down in the doldrums.  They somehow expect me to snap out of it.  It's the Holidays!  It's a season of time off from work, get togethers with friends and family, traveling and feasting.  Holiday cheer is in the air!

I wish I could feel that Holiday cheer and share excitement like everyone else!  All I see is my bank account slowly depleting from holiday gifts and last minute charitable donations.  I declined the invite to our annual office party with lame door prizes like a set of lawn chairs.  Ooh ahh.  Something I always wanted.  

Despite my mental state, I do manage to read the Hours and say my rosaries.  I've kept up with my meditations fairly well even though I find them much more challenging to write.  I continue to walk my dog and show up to work every day.  Yes, I feel grumpy, mopey, achy, irritable, and cranky.  I prefer annoying coworkers to leave me alone.  For the most part I work independently so I am able to hide when I don't feel like chatting.

As the old saying goes:  This too shall pass.  Our Lord and his Mother will continue to care and protect me as I go through the doldrums.  They understand and love me; I love them, too.  It may be harder to smile right now, but those pearly whites are not lost forever. Life will return just like the change in seasons.

-J.