Loneliness Just Plain Hurts!

  

I'm typing this post from an iPad as my precious dachshund licks my arm.  I call her my canine massage therapist.   A dog makes a terrific companion, especially for a single person.  When I get home from work, my senior pooch always greets me with a wagging tail, ready for belly rubs and treats. She'll lick, lick, lick until I tell her to stop.  That's how much she loves me.  I  wish humans unconditionally loved just as our beloved pets.

Loneliness is wearing me down, numbing my thoughts and causing me to feel sick all over.  Even with a terrific dog, and a good relationship with the Lord, I still ache for human companionship.  Some days I can deal with my singleness fairly well.  Other days are sheer torture.  Right now I'm in a period where loneliness actually hurts.  My heart is sad and my stomach tied-up in knots.  I feel like I've developed an ulcer just from the stress of having to do everything alone.  I never imagine I'd hit the fourth decade without a boyfriend or a husband.  I always knew I'd never have children. (I won't go into detail on why this is. All I know is that God has not called me to be mother.) Most people have done the marriage and family thing by my age.  Why not me, too?  I feel defective in many ways. 

 What's wrong with me?  Why can't my life run a normal course like the majority of people?

I have family and friends.  It's not like I'm a total recluse.  I just happen to still be unmarried when  most of my friends are married.  I'm childless whereas my friends have children.  I'm too old to hang out with the Milllennials and too young for the Senior citizens! I'm kind of in a state of "limbo" where it's difficult to relate to the married folks or the divorced in my  generation.  Back in my 20's and 30's it was more socially acceptable to never-be-married.  Whenever I went out on the town, guys noticed me! They'd look at me and flirt.  Now that I've reach the middle-aged digits  I'm becoming invisible. My lower estrogen levels and graying hair don't exactly raise eyebrows anymore.  The young have so much more going for them.  I consider myself an attractive woman and haven't let my looks totally go. It's heartbreaking and agonizing to no longer be noticed. Unfortunately, my days of one night stands and relationships based on only the physical are long gone.  I've matured quite a bit.  However, many of my male counterparts haven't. Certainly my strong religion and moral values are not too marketable in the dating "meat market."  Oh well.  My priorities have changed. I guess I rather be lonely than miserable with the wrong man.

Singleness and Loneliness has definitely made me question my placement in the Roman Catholic Church.  I  never thought of it as an issue until this past weekend.  When I attended Mass at a sister parish, I looked at the crowd.  So many parishioners made up of families with young children.  My eyes teared up as I felt anxiety-induced chest pains.  Here I am sitting at the end of my pew all alone among so many beautiful families.  The Catholic Church loves the big family!  She wants all of her faithful to be fruitful and multiply!  Yet, I'm there single, childless, and by myself.  No man looking at me.  No man desiring me.  No person caring that I'm present.  I felt totally out of place.  The following thoughts played in my mind:  How can I be a member of a religion who is so family-focused and doesn't tailor to the needs of the single lay person?  How can I relate to young, vibrant, beautiful families with their numerous children as a middle-aged single?  Unfortunately, I was not blessed with one ounce of motherly instinct.  No wonder I'm so alone and undesirable.  Men must "smell" that I'm not worth bothering and run away.  Even the parish priest didn't spend two seconds talking to me until he was off to chat with the family of five with the gorgeous mother and college-aged daughter! Uh!  Am I really that dreadful of a soul?. .... 

Why on earth did God put me on this planet?  Am I supposed to be lonely the rest of my life?  Am I supposed to fake a smile , happy for all of the charming little families and  retired empty-nesters?  Yes, I know, being single isn't bad.  Priests and nuns are single.  But that's such a huge difference. I'm definitely not called to a religious vocation.  I just need to accept this single never-married status  even though it doesn't feel natural.   Oh Dear Lord, please help!  Being single and alone is awful right now!"

Anybody feeling lonely out there?  Maybe you can relate to this post.  The only way to remedy loneliness is to get out and about.  Get active in a parish even if you're  single among all  married couples with children.  Volunteer for a missions trip or a community service project. Something I'm trying to do to help relieve my loneliness and anti-social tendency is to go out on the town once a week. This past weekend I went to a local theatre to see a musical. Wednesday I'm off to a concert to see one of my favorite rock singers perform!  Next week I will drive over to the museum.

 Loneliness doesn't have to hurt knowing that God is present with us. He understands our inner souls better than any human person.  With him and through him, we realize we are not destined to be lonely forever.  Heaven gloriously awaits us!  We must keep digging and keep molding our souls toward holiness.  Transfer our broken and lonely hearts into something loving and beautiful.  

-J.