Dear Lord,
Thank you for your blessings. I love you with all my mind, heart, and soul. You are truly a wonderful presence in my life. I hope you can help me work through thoughts that run through my head over and over: I think I'm not good enough!
I compare myself to others. I see their successes and great accomplishments. I think I'm a complete failure in your eyes and the eyes of everyone else I come into contact with whether in person or virtual. I don't think I'm understood or related to. Maybe I'm even a freak, a reject, a human defect. Oh, Dear Jesus, this sound so awful, I know it does! I just want you to know what I'm feeling!
As I go through the aging process, I reflect on my past. I recount all of the mistakes I made. I wish I had done things differently. If I had join the Catholic Church at an earlier age, maybe I would have made wiser choices.
Resentment still smothers my heart. I've confessed this so many times to you, Dear Jesus, but it's still a constant struggle. For instance, today I became resentful of the engineer I work with who always says "No" to anything I suggest. He's the technical guru, and I'm not, so of course, anything I suggest is inferior. The engineer is a kind gentleman. I don't think he means harm. He's just doing his job.
I desire to be assigned challenging job responsibilities. I want people to acknowledge my intellect and not ignore me. Most of the time I do repetitive work that any non-college educated person can do. I so wish I could move up, but I know this position is stagnant. This is where I need to be for now. It's hard for me to accept this. I feel like my brain power is rotting away. Lord, I pray that you can help me find ways to stimulate my creativity. Push away resentment in the workplace and find ways to think how I can positively impact the company even from a low ball position.
Envy is another deadly sin that has clenched my soul and doesn't let go. Today I read a blog about a young college lady who is volunteering in Uganda. I secretly desire her opportunity to serve. I wish I could do some kind of missionary work; yet, I'm stuck here with work and home responsibilities. I crave the kind of attention, love and admiration this beautiful young woman receives on a regularly basis. (I know it's sinful to envy and covet what others have.) I see myself as cow dung while this young woman is a priceless pearl. She has a whole life awaiting her since she's in her 20's with a career, marriage, and children in the future. In comparison, I'm in my 40's with child bearing ending and gray hairs forming. It's not like I've been blessed with marriage and motherhood. Lord, why did this happen? Why didn't you bless me with someone special who'd love me unconditionally and not just use me? Did you really intend to create me as an unattractive, emotional woman no man would ever want to live with? I've tried so hard to find someone without success. At this time I've given up. It makes me terribly sad to think I will be alone the rest of my life. However, on the positive side, I have more time to spend with you! In fact, unconditional love from you is all that really matters. Yes, I may be physically lonely, but I know you will always be there along side me, Dear Lord!
Okay, I need to end this letter for now. I don't want to write anymore negative thoughts. They are truly anxiety-inducing and headache-forming. But, it's good to get thoughts off my chest. I wish I could be a perpetually happy person. Is there really such a person??
Dear Lord, please help me find ways that I can be of service to others. Please wipe away the self-doubt, resentment, envy, and sadness that surrounds my heart. I don't think I'm a bad person. I just struggle with feelings I'm not good enough for you or others. I do have so much to offer. Don't you think?
Thank-you for taking the time to read this letter, Jesus. I love you very much. I look forward to receiving you in the Eucharist soon. Of course, I will need to make an official trip to the confessional so my sins are free and clear......
Love,
-J.
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