Crushing Until It Hurts

The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be. (Matthew 6:22-23)

Wow, how can an adult woman in her mid 30s crush over a man?  Isn't that something pre-teens and teenagers worry about?  Well, at least I thought so until it happened to me.  Beginning last Fall, my soul, mind, and body have literally been "tortured" by the thoughts of Mr. Unattainable.  Deep, penetrating, sensual thoughts of being with a kind, sincere, warm, trustworthy, patient, loving, forgiving, and honest man.  Now, realism has set in!  I've discovered a lot about this man's hidden personality, faults that I find chilling, scary, and annoying.  Faults that lead me to believe this man should rethink the progress of his life and how he treats other people.  It's amazing the psychology around a crush:  The intense feeling of fake "love".  The butterflies in the stomach, the giggles, the blushing, and the desire to be around the person of fancy.  It's almost as if I was getting a "high" off the intense feelings; the false sense that this man fit the "perfect model" of someone I could become closely intimate with. 

Now these lovey-dovey feelings have disappeared.  Thank the Lord!  I knew deep in my heart my spiritual growth was suffering from too much focus on fantasies and expectations surrounding my crush. I was ignoring all the signs this man was wrong for me. (Interesting how almost everything associated with Mr. Unattainable seem to go sour....) The initial stages of flirting, eye contact, and constant communication inaccurately led me to believe something of a "relationship"developed.  Boy, was Satan playing tricks on me.  Not only was this flirting leading me astray from God and the Blessed Virgin Mary, it was making me realize the great potential for mortal sin! 

I confessed my feelings during Lent.  It gave me a spiritual renewal not felt in years! However, getting over this "crush" has not been an easy or quick process.  It has taken me until this month (July) to completely rid myself of this man psychologically - no more texts, emails, chatting, etc.  No more smiles and friendly exchanges.  This is not something I'm comfortable doing, but I can't allow the Devil to continue to throw temptations at my face.  I don't hate Mr. Unattainable.  I just have to form strong boundaries and keep praying the Lord will guide me towards a healthy relationship with a man who will love and cherish me.  I know longer want to be used by men but treated like a queen!  Crushing on some older man who admitted he would just "use me" isn't what I need in my life.  No woman needs this!! 

I thank Our Blessed Mother for giving me the courage to purge myself of useless thoughts toward Mr. Unattainable.  I honestly think my daily devotion toward the Liturgy of the Hours along with the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary has given me the will power to stay away.  I need to concentrate on what my true vocation should be in the Church!  I have several possibilities that I'm discerning.  Very exciting to think about how I can serve our Lord!  Just the freedom from obsessive thinking, longings, and false love is strenghtening me along the path to holiness.  I've made a wrong turn and became lost.  Now I can say I'm back on the narrow path.

Crushing until it hurts - That's the only way to get over an infactuation (fake love) is to completely disengage a relationship with the man or woman.  Become unsensitized, non-focused.  Think about the person's faults until it hurts so much that the crush begins to slowly grow into disgust.  After disgust, comes along the "What in the heck did I ever see in that man/woman???!!"


Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,  it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,  it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

 

The Little Devils in the Workplace

I'm sure all of us at one time or another have encountered annoying people in the workplace. In my case, it's been over 11 years of annoying co-workers! I say to myself that dealing with my co-workers is a major "cross" God has burdened me with for the soul purpose of strenghtening my character.

Some days are better than others when it comes to the ogres in the workplace. One gentleman
in particular absolutely hates my guts. Its really disheartening because at one time we were friends. We ate lunch together, chat on the phone, text, email, etc. But then something happened. He perceived that I intentionally tried to get him fired. From that point forward, he stopped speaking to me. Whenever the mood strikes, he annoys me by purposely jamming the copy machine when I'm using it, intentionally parking his car in my corner spot, and saying hello to everybody around BUT me. For months, I tried to reconcile and talk to this man. I even apologized for offending him. No change. In fact, some days he looks at me with such contempt and anger. I picture him as the devil with smoke coming out of his ears and his pitchfork jamming me in both eyes! He considers me the hypocrite who backstabbed him in the back and can never be trusted again!

As a Christian, I try to think how Jesus would handle this situation. Firstly, he would love this man and pray for the softening of his callused heart. Jesus would treat my co-worker with respect and professionalism, not becoming easily angered or revengeful at annoying behavior. Thirdly, he would give the man space allowing his Holy Spirit to slowly work through him and in him. I may not ever be forgiven for the hurt and anger I've afflicted on my co-worker, but at least in my heart I can strive to be kind towards him. Not an easy task considering his childish, game-playing behavior.

May the Lord bless us, protect us from evil and bring everlasting life. Amen.

Ring, Ring.... God's Calling!

I've always been a techie gal, interested in the latest and greatest new electronic gadget.  I own a desktop, two laptops, an iPad 2, and now a Samsung Epic 4G smartphone.  I admit the electronic world has made life much easier. I can pay my bills online in a snap without the expense of a postage stamp. Communication is easier between friends and family. Research and study of topics of interest is instantly available.....

However, I sometimes ask myself:  How does all of this electronic "stuff" affect my relationship with God?  Am I spending too much time surfing the Internet instead of praying?  Am I texting a friend, gossiping about this person and that person forgetting to "love your own neighbor as yourself"?  Do I spend too much time reading news stories, blogs, etc. that are not Christ-focused?  Do I isolate myself from friends, family, GOD, by too much electronic use? 

One thing I've started doing to make good use of my love for technology is to read spiritual books through the Amazon Kindle.  Also, I downloaded the excellent "Liturgy of the Hours" app on my iPad containing audio and full text of each office.  Even on my smartphone I installed a Catholic Prayers that contains the rosary, litanies, standard prayers, etc.  Let's just say there's no excuse for me NOT to pray or spend time with our Lord.

I set my new phone on the "heaven" ring tone.   Everytime it rings I say a quick little prayer to Our Lord and the Blessed Mother.  I know God is "calling" me to use technology wisely and in moderation. 

-J.