Crushing Until It Hurts

The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be. (Matthew 6:22-23)

Wow, how can an adult woman in her mid 30s crush over a man?  Isn't that something pre-teens and teenagers worry about?  Well, at least I thought so until it happened to me.  Beginning last Fall, my soul, mind, and body have literally been "tortured" by the thoughts of Mr. Unattainable.  Deep, penetrating, sensual thoughts of being with a kind, sincere, warm, trustworthy, patient, loving, forgiving, and honest man.  Now, realism has set in!  I've discovered a lot about this man's hidden personality, faults that I find chilling, scary, and annoying.  Faults that lead me to believe this man should rethink the progress of his life and how he treats other people.  It's amazing the psychology around a crush:  The intense feeling of fake "love".  The butterflies in the stomach, the giggles, the blushing, and the desire to be around the person of fancy.  It's almost as if I was getting a "high" off the intense feelings; the false sense that this man fit the "perfect model" of someone I could become closely intimate with. 

Now these lovey-dovey feelings have disappeared.  Thank the Lord!  I knew deep in my heart my spiritual growth was suffering from too much focus on fantasies and expectations surrounding my crush. I was ignoring all the signs this man was wrong for me. (Interesting how almost everything associated with Mr. Unattainable seem to go sour....) The initial stages of flirting, eye contact, and constant communication inaccurately led me to believe something of a "relationship"developed.  Boy, was Satan playing tricks on me.  Not only was this flirting leading me astray from God and the Blessed Virgin Mary, it was making me realize the great potential for mortal sin! 

I confessed my feelings during Lent.  It gave me a spiritual renewal not felt in years! However, getting over this "crush" has not been an easy or quick process.  It has taken me until this month (July) to completely rid myself of this man psychologically - no more texts, emails, chatting, etc.  No more smiles and friendly exchanges.  This is not something I'm comfortable doing, but I can't allow the Devil to continue to throw temptations at my face.  I don't hate Mr. Unattainable.  I just have to form strong boundaries and keep praying the Lord will guide me towards a healthy relationship with a man who will love and cherish me.  I know longer want to be used by men but treated like a queen!  Crushing on some older man who admitted he would just "use me" isn't what I need in my life.  No woman needs this!! 

I thank Our Blessed Mother for giving me the courage to purge myself of useless thoughts toward Mr. Unattainable.  I honestly think my daily devotion toward the Liturgy of the Hours along with the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary has given me the will power to stay away.  I need to concentrate on what my true vocation should be in the Church!  I have several possibilities that I'm discerning.  Very exciting to think about how I can serve our Lord!  Just the freedom from obsessive thinking, longings, and false love is strenghtening me along the path to holiness.  I've made a wrong turn and became lost.  Now I can say I'm back on the narrow path.

Crushing until it hurts - That's the only way to get over an infactuation (fake love) is to completely disengage a relationship with the man or woman.  Become unsensitized, non-focused.  Think about the person's faults until it hurts so much that the crush begins to slowly grow into disgust.  After disgust, comes along the "What in the heck did I ever see in that man/woman???!!"


Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,  it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,  it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)