Disappointments and God's Will

A few weeks ago, a friend and I registered for a holiday trip to the Holy Land. I've been so excited about it for weeks, telling all of my family and friends about my upcoming travel adventure! Today, I was shocked when I received my voided deposit check returned along with a letter stating all available seats were filled. (My friend got a spot which made me feel even worse!) Then, I received a phone call from a member of the Serra Club. My application for this weekend's vocation awareness retreat was rejected. Why? Because Im older than the demographic of the young women who normally attend such a retreat. I have too much life experience. At 37, I know more about vocations than the typical college student. As a consolation prize, I will be sent information pertaining to religious groups that accept older women. What is going on here? All evening I've felt so sad, rejected, and confused. I became physically ill, vomiting the little food and water I ingested earlier in the day. 

Questions going on in my head: Why am I being rejected from special events I would find spiritually fulfilling? Why is God doing this to ME? What did I do wrong to deserve this disappointment? What is wrong with me? Negative thoughts are not healthy, a bad habit I fight every single day when life's woo woos hit. I know there is a reason that I'm not going on the pilgrimage or the retreat: God has other plans for me. I can wallow in self pity and cry like a toddler because I didn't get what I want. Or, I can act like an adult and think logically. God has control of my destiny. It's God's will that dictates when, what, and how things happen in my life. Disappointments, reject, failures, and loses happen for a divine reason.

Today's gospel reading is very relevant to what I'm experiencing. Life is not easy! Life does not always work out the way one wishes.  How narrow the gate and restricted the road that leads to life.(Matthew 7:13-14). I cannot allow disappointments to bring me down. I must continue to strive for holiness and joy. Ask God to grant me what he thinks is best for my soul!

A Needle in the Vein

Today, I went to a phlebotomist for my annual blood work. Anxiety already set in last night. I've had a fear of needles and blood ever since I was a child. Basic immunizations normally required me to be strapped down on the doctor bed. I always kicked and screamed fearing the daunting needle. Drawing blood was even a greater disturbance!  (My mother used to say I always embarrassed her at the doctors office.  She never knew if I'd grow out of my terrible fits!)  When I reached puberty, I experienced fainting spells, all from the anxiety of thinking about that needle sucking the blood out of my veins. Now that I'm older, the needle blood thing still makes me nervous and queazy.  Fortunately, my experience with the blood work today went smoothly. Yes, I felt all of the anxiety signs:  shakiness, light headedness, dry mouth, and headache. However, I can honestly say prayer and meditation helped me survive this anxiety producing event!

Whenever I feel anxious or worried, I read St. Paul's words from Philippians 4:6-7(NAB): Have no anxiety at all but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

During mass, A Nigerian priest used to say the following after the Our Father :  In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from useless worries.  The term useless worries subsituted for anxiety.  I figured with English as his second language "useless worries" was easier to say than anxiety. What a fitting synonym for the times I've become so anxious about something causing me to feel sick, angry, depressed, scared, or sorrowful.  How useless are worries and fears when God is right there beside me for comfort.  All I have to do is ask for his assistance with the aid of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Saints!

The Feast of Pentecost - Come Holy Spirit

Today is the Feast of Pentecost, the last Sunday of Easter. It's a solemnity celebrating Jesus's gift of the Holy Spirit to the Apostles and the Christian Faithful.

Come, Holy Spirit - Advocate and Guide!

How is the precious gift of the Holy Spirit manifested in my own life? I feel the Paraclete's presence when I pray the Liturgy of the Hours, a new regular devotion I began during Lent. When I lector on the 2nd Sunday of the month, the Holy Spirit pours forth through my words. Let's just say public speaking has never been my forte. But by the grace of God I'm given the confidence to project scripture with diction, clarity, and enthusiasm. It's something I've grown to love over the last 3 years.

The power of the Holy Spirit lead me on a special journey to complete a 4 year extensive study of the entire bible through the University of Dallas Catholic Biblical School. Wow, talk about challenging material but so rich in wisdom. I may not be a biblical scholar, but I'm definitely a lover of God's word. Reading the bible and meditating on the word brings peace and a better understanding of the Church and all of her teachings.


St. Paul in the Book of Romans says:  The Spirit too helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we ought; but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in speech. He who searches hearts knows what the Spirit means, for the Spirit intercedes for the saints as God himself wills.

St. Irenaeus in his Treatise Against Heresies writes:  If we are not to be scorched and made unfruitful, we need the dew of God. Since we have our accuser, we need an advocate as well.

What beautiful words from the Saints who understood completely the purpose of the Holy Spirit:  To guide us on our spiritual journey with the love of Christ by our side!

A New Online Journey

For quite some time now, I've desired to write a blog detailing my spiritual journey as a Catholic Christian. My road has been an interesting yet challenging one. I've experienced ups and downs like so many out there. Yet, I always turn to the beautiful sacraments of the Church for help. Our Lord present in the Holy Eucharist provides me the sustainance to persevere and accept my own personal crosses.....

I'm a convert to Catholicism, entering the Church through the R.C.I.A. program at the Easter Vigil 1998.  I  attribute my interest in the Catholic Church to my sorority "Big Sister" at Texas A&M University.  Melanie, now living in Chicago with her husband, is a very devout Catholic of the Eastern Rite.  Even though she makes the sign of the cross on her left instead of the right and observes some of the Holy Feasts at different times of the liturgical year, she still to this day provides me with the spiritual inspiration to continue my Catholic journey.  Leaving the Southern Baptist and Methodist Protestant Faiths was one of the greatest conversions I've ever undergone in my lifetime!  My Protestant family to this day is very accepting of my faith even though they do not always understand why "us Catholics" do what we do and believe what we believe.

I'm looking forward to sharing my views and insights on my sacred space....

-J.