Crushing Until It Hurts

The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be. (Matthew 6:22-23)

Wow, how can an adult woman in her mid 30s crush over a man?  Isn't that something pre-teens and teenagers worry about?  Well, at least I thought so until it happened to me.  Beginning last Fall, my soul, mind, and body have literally been "tortured" by the thoughts of Mr. Unattainable.  Deep, penetrating, sensual thoughts of being with a kind, sincere, warm, trustworthy, patient, loving, forgiving, and honest man.  Now, realism has set in!  I've discovered a lot about this man's hidden personality, faults that I find chilling, scary, and annoying.  Faults that lead me to believe this man should rethink the progress of his life and how he treats other people.  It's amazing the psychology around a crush:  The intense feeling of fake "love".  The butterflies in the stomach, the giggles, the blushing, and the desire to be around the person of fancy.  It's almost as if I was getting a "high" off the intense feelings; the false sense that this man fit the "perfect model" of someone I could become closely intimate with. 

Now these lovey-dovey feelings have disappeared.  Thank the Lord!  I knew deep in my heart my spiritual growth was suffering from too much focus on fantasies and expectations surrounding my crush. I was ignoring all the signs this man was wrong for me. (Interesting how almost everything associated with Mr. Unattainable seem to go sour....) The initial stages of flirting, eye contact, and constant communication inaccurately led me to believe something of a "relationship"developed.  Boy, was Satan playing tricks on me.  Not only was this flirting leading me astray from God and the Blessed Virgin Mary, it was making me realize the great potential for mortal sin! 

I confessed my feelings during Lent.  It gave me a spiritual renewal not felt in years! However, getting over this "crush" has not been an easy or quick process.  It has taken me until this month (July) to completely rid myself of this man psychologically - no more texts, emails, chatting, etc.  No more smiles and friendly exchanges.  This is not something I'm comfortable doing, but I can't allow the Devil to continue to throw temptations at my face.  I don't hate Mr. Unattainable.  I just have to form strong boundaries and keep praying the Lord will guide me towards a healthy relationship with a man who will love and cherish me.  I know longer want to be used by men but treated like a queen!  Crushing on some older man who admitted he would just "use me" isn't what I need in my life.  No woman needs this!! 

I thank Our Blessed Mother for giving me the courage to purge myself of useless thoughts toward Mr. Unattainable.  I honestly think my daily devotion toward the Liturgy of the Hours along with the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary has given me the will power to stay away.  I need to concentrate on what my true vocation should be in the Church!  I have several possibilities that I'm discerning.  Very exciting to think about how I can serve our Lord!  Just the freedom from obsessive thinking, longings, and false love is strenghtening me along the path to holiness.  I've made a wrong turn and became lost.  Now I can say I'm back on the narrow path.

Crushing until it hurts - That's the only way to get over an infactuation (fake love) is to completely disengage a relationship with the man or woman.  Become unsensitized, non-focused.  Think about the person's faults until it hurts so much that the crush begins to slowly grow into disgust.  After disgust, comes along the "What in the heck did I ever see in that man/woman???!!"


Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,  it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,  it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

 

The Little Devils in the Workplace

I'm sure all of us at one time or another have encountered annoying people in the workplace. In my case, it's been over 11 years of annoying co-workers! I say to myself that dealing with my co-workers is a major "cross" God has burdened me with for the soul purpose of strenghtening my character.

Some days are better than others when it comes to the ogres in the workplace. One gentleman
in particular absolutely hates my guts. Its really disheartening because at one time we were friends. We ate lunch together, chat on the phone, text, email, etc. But then something happened. He perceived that I intentionally tried to get him fired. From that point forward, he stopped speaking to me. Whenever the mood strikes, he annoys me by purposely jamming the copy machine when I'm using it, intentionally parking his car in my corner spot, and saying hello to everybody around BUT me. For months, I tried to reconcile and talk to this man. I even apologized for offending him. No change. In fact, some days he looks at me with such contempt and anger. I picture him as the devil with smoke coming out of his ears and his pitchfork jamming me in both eyes! He considers me the hypocrite who backstabbed him in the back and can never be trusted again!

As a Christian, I try to think how Jesus would handle this situation. Firstly, he would love this man and pray for the softening of his callused heart. Jesus would treat my co-worker with respect and professionalism, not becoming easily angered or revengeful at annoying behavior. Thirdly, he would give the man space allowing his Holy Spirit to slowly work through him and in him. I may not ever be forgiven for the hurt and anger I've afflicted on my co-worker, but at least in my heart I can strive to be kind towards him. Not an easy task considering his childish, game-playing behavior.

May the Lord bless us, protect us from evil and bring everlasting life. Amen.

Ring, Ring.... God's Calling!

I've always been a techie gal, interested in the latest and greatest new electronic gadget.  I own a desktop, two laptops, an iPad 2, and now a Samsung Epic 4G smartphone.  I admit the electronic world has made life much easier. I can pay my bills online in a snap without the expense of a postage stamp. Communication is easier between friends and family. Research and study of topics of interest is instantly available.....

However, I sometimes ask myself:  How does all of this electronic "stuff" affect my relationship with God?  Am I spending too much time surfing the Internet instead of praying?  Am I texting a friend, gossiping about this person and that person forgetting to "love your own neighbor as yourself"?  Do I spend too much time reading news stories, blogs, etc. that are not Christ-focused?  Do I isolate myself from friends, family, GOD, by too much electronic use? 

One thing I've started doing to make good use of my love for technology is to read spiritual books through the Amazon Kindle.  Also, I downloaded the excellent "Liturgy of the Hours" app on my iPad containing audio and full text of each office.  Even on my smartphone I installed a Catholic Prayers that contains the rosary, litanies, standard prayers, etc.  Let's just say there's no excuse for me NOT to pray or spend time with our Lord.

I set my new phone on the "heaven" ring tone.   Everytime it rings I say a quick little prayer to Our Lord and the Blessed Mother.  I know God is "calling" me to use technology wisely and in moderation. 

-J.

Disappointments and God's Will

A few weeks ago, a friend and I registered for a holiday trip to the Holy Land. I've been so excited about it for weeks, telling all of my family and friends about my upcoming travel adventure! Today, I was shocked when I received my voided deposit check returned along with a letter stating all available seats were filled. (My friend got a spot which made me feel even worse!) Then, I received a phone call from a member of the Serra Club. My application for this weekend's vocation awareness retreat was rejected. Why? Because Im older than the demographic of the young women who normally attend such a retreat. I have too much life experience. At 37, I know more about vocations than the typical college student. As a consolation prize, I will be sent information pertaining to religious groups that accept older women. What is going on here? All evening I've felt so sad, rejected, and confused. I became physically ill, vomiting the little food and water I ingested earlier in the day. 

Questions going on in my head: Why am I being rejected from special events I would find spiritually fulfilling? Why is God doing this to ME? What did I do wrong to deserve this disappointment? What is wrong with me? Negative thoughts are not healthy, a bad habit I fight every single day when life's woo woos hit. I know there is a reason that I'm not going on the pilgrimage or the retreat: God has other plans for me. I can wallow in self pity and cry like a toddler because I didn't get what I want. Or, I can act like an adult and think logically. God has control of my destiny. It's God's will that dictates when, what, and how things happen in my life. Disappointments, reject, failures, and loses happen for a divine reason.

Today's gospel reading is very relevant to what I'm experiencing. Life is not easy! Life does not always work out the way one wishes.  How narrow the gate and restricted the road that leads to life.(Matthew 7:13-14). I cannot allow disappointments to bring me down. I must continue to strive for holiness and joy. Ask God to grant me what he thinks is best for my soul!

A Needle in the Vein

Today, I went to a phlebotomist for my annual blood work. Anxiety already set in last night. I've had a fear of needles and blood ever since I was a child. Basic immunizations normally required me to be strapped down on the doctor bed. I always kicked and screamed fearing the daunting needle. Drawing blood was even a greater disturbance!  (My mother used to say I always embarrassed her at the doctors office.  She never knew if I'd grow out of my terrible fits!)  When I reached puberty, I experienced fainting spells, all from the anxiety of thinking about that needle sucking the blood out of my veins. Now that I'm older, the needle blood thing still makes me nervous and queazy.  Fortunately, my experience with the blood work today went smoothly. Yes, I felt all of the anxiety signs:  shakiness, light headedness, dry mouth, and headache. However, I can honestly say prayer and meditation helped me survive this anxiety producing event!

Whenever I feel anxious or worried, I read St. Paul's words from Philippians 4:6-7(NAB): Have no anxiety at all but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

During mass, A Nigerian priest used to say the following after the Our Father :  In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from useless worries.  The term useless worries subsituted for anxiety.  I figured with English as his second language "useless worries" was easier to say than anxiety. What a fitting synonym for the times I've become so anxious about something causing me to feel sick, angry, depressed, scared, or sorrowful.  How useless are worries and fears when God is right there beside me for comfort.  All I have to do is ask for his assistance with the aid of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Saints!

The Feast of Pentecost - Come Holy Spirit

Today is the Feast of Pentecost, the last Sunday of Easter. It's a solemnity celebrating Jesus's gift of the Holy Spirit to the Apostles and the Christian Faithful.

Come, Holy Spirit - Advocate and Guide!

How is the precious gift of the Holy Spirit manifested in my own life? I feel the Paraclete's presence when I pray the Liturgy of the Hours, a new regular devotion I began during Lent. When I lector on the 2nd Sunday of the month, the Holy Spirit pours forth through my words. Let's just say public speaking has never been my forte. But by the grace of God I'm given the confidence to project scripture with diction, clarity, and enthusiasm. It's something I've grown to love over the last 3 years.

The power of the Holy Spirit lead me on a special journey to complete a 4 year extensive study of the entire bible through the University of Dallas Catholic Biblical School. Wow, talk about challenging material but so rich in wisdom. I may not be a biblical scholar, but I'm definitely a lover of God's word. Reading the bible and meditating on the word brings peace and a better understanding of the Church and all of her teachings.


St. Paul in the Book of Romans says:  The Spirit too helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we ought; but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in speech. He who searches hearts knows what the Spirit means, for the Spirit intercedes for the saints as God himself wills.

St. Irenaeus in his Treatise Against Heresies writes:  If we are not to be scorched and made unfruitful, we need the dew of God. Since we have our accuser, we need an advocate as well.

What beautiful words from the Saints who understood completely the purpose of the Holy Spirit:  To guide us on our spiritual journey with the love of Christ by our side!

A New Online Journey

For quite some time now, I've desired to write a blog detailing my spiritual journey as a Catholic Christian. My road has been an interesting yet challenging one. I've experienced ups and downs like so many out there. Yet, I always turn to the beautiful sacraments of the Church for help. Our Lord present in the Holy Eucharist provides me the sustainance to persevere and accept my own personal crosses.....

I'm a convert to Catholicism, entering the Church through the R.C.I.A. program at the Easter Vigil 1998.  I  attribute my interest in the Catholic Church to my sorority "Big Sister" at Texas A&M University.  Melanie, now living in Chicago with her husband, is a very devout Catholic of the Eastern Rite.  Even though she makes the sign of the cross on her left instead of the right and observes some of the Holy Feasts at different times of the liturgical year, she still to this day provides me with the spiritual inspiration to continue my Catholic journey.  Leaving the Southern Baptist and Methodist Protestant Faiths was one of the greatest conversions I've ever undergone in my lifetime!  My Protestant family to this day is very accepting of my faith even though they do not always understand why "us Catholics" do what we do and believe what we believe.

I'm looking forward to sharing my views and insights on my sacred space....

-J.