Raising Cain

Monday of the Sixth Week in Ordinary Time

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Genesis 4:1-15; 25

The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering,

but on Cain and his offering he did not. Cain greatly resented this and was crestfallen. So the LORD said to Cain:

“Why are you so resentful and crestfallen. If you do well, you can hold up your head; but if not, sin is a demon lurking at the door: his urge is toward you, yet you can be his master.”

The Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways.  When I need God the most, he makes his presence known.  Sometimes even when I don't think  I need God, and I can handle hardships by my little lonesome self, he sends forth a holy stare with  a holy smile!  I try to hide my eyes, but his glowing light is too intense.  I try to run away, but his grip is too tight!  God lets me know through my conscience, and sometimes even through another person's words, that my thoughts and actions are not pleasing to him.  Ranting and raving - as the old saying goes "raising Cain"-  doesn't do much good.  It harms relationships with others and disconnects us from the Lord.

For the past week, everywhere I turn the word resentment appears out of nowhere. I hear the word on the radio, read it in an article, or stumble across the word in the bible..  I think God is sending me a subliminal message:  Take hold of my own feelings of resentment and shove them out the door.  There's no reason to resent others.  There's no reason for me to harbor anger toward another person because he or she doesn't see things my way.  I think Satan uses resentment, anger and envy to toy with us; to make us focus on ourselves and less on others.

On February 14th, Pope Francis elected 20 new Cardinals.  Although none of the cardinals are from the United States, several of them live in more remote countries and dioceses.  In his homily, Pope Francis focused on the "hymn of charity" in St. Paul's Letter to the Corinthians. When I saw the word resentment once again pop up I immediately paid attention!  Even though his words are addressed to pastors, I think we all can relate:

"Charity, Saint Paul says, 'is not irritable, it is not resentful'. Pastors close to their people have plenty of opportunities to be irritable, to feel anger. Perhaps we risk being all the more irritable in relationships with our confreres, since in effect we have less excuses. Even here, charity, and charity alone, frees us. It frees us from the risk of reacting impulsively, of saying or doing the wrong thing; above all it frees us from the mortal danger of pent-up anger, of that smouldering anger which makes us brood over wrongs we have received. No. This is unacceptable in a man of the Church. Even if a momentary outburst is forgiveable, this is not the case with rancour. God save us from that!"

Oh, if Cain just listened to the Lord and didn't allow resentment to build up to the point of murder.  If he could have been proud and supportive of Abel, working peacefully together for the Lord.  If only he had not allowed Satan to take a hold of his heart leaving it bitter and angry.  

Are you a Cain or an Abel?  Do you see the world through the eyes of resentment and anger or love and charity?  Are you quick to feud and fight or bring about peace?  Do you listen to God, trying to live a quiet holy life, or do you turn a deaf ear, deciding to "raise Cain" through impulsive actions and words?  I think we can all be a little like Cain every once in a while; but, hopefully we use enough self-control not to get ourselves into a dangerous situation.

Next time you feel like raising Cain, take a few deep breaths and say the Jesus prayer!

-J.

Papal Wisdom As We Begin Lent This Week!

Garden of Delights

Sixth Sunday in Ordinary Time

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Gospel of Mark 1:40-45

A leper came to Jesus and kneeling down begged him and said, “If you wish, you can make me clean.” Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched him, and said to him,“I do will it. Be made clean.” The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean. Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed him at once.

 I love art, especially religious and Asian Art. I wish I could spend more time in art museums.  Whenever I travel, I schedule a tour of the local museum.  The Art Institute of Chicago and the British National Portrait Gallery are my favorites.   Maybe one of these days I will sign up for an art appreciation course; an activity on my bucket list!

The Leper and the Garden of Delights  During a Google search, I came across Hieronymus Bosch's masterpiece "The Garden of Earthly Delights."  The triptych is an interpretation of the Adam and Eve Story.  My eyes instantly caught the detail of the river with the fish and the people swimming it.  This made me think of the leper in today's gospel reading.  Back in the time of Moses, those inflicted with leprosy were required to publicly acknowledge their uncleanliness and remain isolated, an outcast left alone to suffer. Once symptoms disappeared, lepers could reach out to a local priest for healing, and be cleansed in the river Jordan, but for those suffering from ongoing skin afflictions they were banned from the public waters.  Certainly, nobody would find a leper along with healthy individuals, frolicking about enjoying the warm water as if at a spa!  Lepers lived lives of constant pain, shame and suffering.  

Shoo!  Don't tell!  What I find so interesting is how Jesus warns the leper not to tell anyone about Him. (This is a common theme throughout the Gospel of Mark.  Nobody is to tell others about Jesus.)  But, wouldn't people naturally want to know the leper's story of healing?  No way to remain quiet about something so awesome!!  Naturally all of us want to share good news, especially if we come across a miracle.  I can totally understand why Our Lord desired to stay out of the public spotlight and for as long as possible.  With the positive attention comes along a lot of jealousy and hate, especially among the priests and scribes.  Think about how the paparazzi harass celebrities today.  Every detail of their public and private lives are monitored and quickly spread around.

We all experience some form of "leprosy."  It may not be in the form of scabs, rashes or sores but as emotional wounds.  Guilt and shame ravage our hearts to the point where we internally bleed out.  People say hurtful things to us.  Loved ones ignore us.  Others bully us around.  How difficult to imagine swimming around in the Garden of Delights when we see ourselves trapped in the Dead Sea.

Our sufferings are meant to strengthen us and bring us closer to God.  If we live free from physical pain and mental anguish, would there be a need for prayer?  If everything was perfectly fine, and we possessed everything we ever desired, would there be a need to Trust in God?  If suffering no longer existed in the world, we'd forget all about the meaning of Christ crucified.  We may even go so far as to no longer celebrate 40 days of Lent or even Easter!  

I love these inspiring words from Leon Bloy published in today's Magnificat Meditation of the Day:

"Suffering is necessary.  It is the backbone, the very essence of moral life.  Love is recognized by this sign, and when the sign is lacking, love is but a prostitution of strength or of beauty.  I say that someone loves me when that someone consents to suffer through or for me....There is but one sorrow and that is to have lost the Garden of Delights, and there is one hope and one desire, to recover it."

Sacred Heart of Jesus, Pray for Us!

-J.

A Few Thoughts... Valentine's Day 2015

Happy Valentine's Day!  Do have you a special someone in your life - a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, significant other?  My little dachshund is showering me with her sweet licks as I type this post.  She's my Valentine!

Yesterday I found it amusing the number of men at the grocery store!  They all waited until the last minute to take love tokens home to their sweethearts.  Men carried bouquets of flowers, plants, chocolates, teddy bears and bottles of wine through the checkout lines.  I'm sure the local supermarket is more populated with men on Valentine's Day - second in rank only to the Super Bowl where beer is preferred to floral arrangements.

Let's see....  When was the last time I received roses or chocolates from a special Bo?  Close to tens years ago!  Yikes!  No wonder the yearly V-day isn't rated very high on my list of secular holidays.  I always feel left out by the male race.  Of course, it's by my own choice.  I could have a BF if I truly wanted one.  I could hook up with just any man on the block, but would I be any happier?  

I like the idea of Jesus being my Valentine!  He shares his Sacred Heart with me throughout the year and not just on February 14th.  He loves me unconditionally. He knows me better than I know myself.  My trust in Him and His mercy towards me is longer lasting than a vase of fresh cut flowers or a box of chocolates.  I don't have to worry about being single in a pro-couple world! God doesn't mind my choice of the single life!  I don't have to be sad because I don't get a valentine gift like so many other women at work.  I know I never have to meet Valentines Day sexual expectations as a single and chaste Christian woman.  I've subscribed to what I call the No Dating Because I Don't Plan To Marry plan.  That pretty much means V-Day is a wash out for me.  Well not entirely true.... My mom always gives me a special Valentine's Day gift.  This year she bought me a portable aromatherapy diffuser.  The smell of lavender fills the room, relaxing me to the point I no longer feel the nauseating effects of infamous V-Day.  It appears to me as more of a  corporate profit-making holiday than anything else. 

A friend forwarded to me an interesting article about Invisible Boyfriends and Invisible Girlfriends.(click here for the article)  The Internet service allows a single person to lie about their couple status, pretending to have a boyfriend in order to shoo away men she is not interested in ( or women he is not interested in).  All I can think is how pathetic.  Why disobey the Lord's commandment "thou shall not bear false witness" just because you're not happy being single?  Or maybe you're fine with single hood but tired of others wishing you'd pair up!  The best thing to do is just be honest and tell it like it is.  If you're not interested in someone, tell them to back off!  Paying money for love deception seems like a waste, but it doesn't surprise me.  In our digital world, this is just how the algorithms and pixels fall these days.....

-J.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Friday of the Fifth Week in Ordinary Time

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Gospel of Mark 7:31-31

And people brought to him a deaf man who had a speech impediment and begged him to lay his hand on him. He took him off by himself away from the crowd. He put his finger into the man’s ears and, spitting, touched his tongue; then he looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him,“Ephphatha!” (that is, “Be opened!”) And immediately the man’s ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed, and he spoke plainly.

When I was a small child, I struggled with speech. When mom asked me a question I couldn't form the correct words in response.  She was very worried that I could be autistic, so she took me to a speech pathologist.   I was given several developmental tests and then placed in a class with children suffering from Autism and Down Syndrome.  Over the course of a few short weeks my speech dramatically improved.  My mother was surprised by the speech pathologist's final assessment:  Jennifer is not autistic. In fact, she is gifted with a high IQ.  She's just one of those children slower in developing her vocal skills; however, overall she is very bright.  Here all along my mom thought I was a dunce, possibly suffering from brain damage, when it turned out I was a very intelligent child.

Thank God the speech pathologist realized I wasn't mentally retarded.  Sadly to this day I receive remarks from both my mom and my sister labeling me as "autistic" because of my personality.  I think it's an extremely unfair label.  If I was genuinely autistic, therapists would have diagnosed me as such years ago!  I'm just a unique woman who doesn't quite fit in the norm. God created me this way, and he loves me just as I am.  

How many times do we label a person as an idiot, slow, or stupid when there is nothing wrong with her?  How many times do we turn a deaf ear away from someone with a stutter, a lisp, or some other kind of voice anomaly? How many times do we refuse to speak to someone who has hurt us?

In today's gospel, Jesus heals a deaf man with a speech impediment using his own spit.  How gross!  How unsanitary!  The man's ears can now hear the Word of God and his speech can praise the Lord in thanksgiving and adoration!  He's forever cured.

Does a cat got your tongue?  Are you slow to proclaim the good news of Christ to others?  Are you scared that your words will be taken wrong?  I think if we can let go of our anxieties and turn to God for strength we can persevere in our faith.  People may label us as religious fanatics and rosary beaters!! But we have almighty God on our side.  He constantly heals us with his mercy.  He provides us with just enough courage to fight the good fight!  He gives us scripture, daily Eucharist and regular confession to keep us spiritually sharp.  It's up to us to utilize these divine gifts for his better glory.  

Hear the Word.  Speak the Truth.  Evangelize the Faith.  Don't allow impediments to block you from glorifying God!

Happy Friday the 13th!!

-J.

Then God Created W.O.M.A.N.

Thursday of the Fifth Week in Ordinary Time

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Genesis 2:18-25

So the LORD God cast a deep sleep on the man,
and while he was asleep, he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
The LORD God then built up into a woman
the rib that he had taken from the man.
When he brought her to the man, the man said:

“This one, at last, is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.”

What if God never created The Woman?  What if the world was only comprised of males and animals?  As a woman, it's hard to imagine not being part of God's kingdom.  Personally, I prefer the version of the creation story where woman is molded out of clay instead of formed from the rib of Adam. My fierce independence likes the idea of both man and woman formed from a neutral substance. In other words, man and woman appear on more equal terms if they were molded out of clay.    

I guess you can say I'm a little feminist by nature.  Not radical in any stretch of the word but feminist enough to desire equal treatment for women.  I want women to have the same educational opportunities as men.  I wish for women to make equal salary.  I want women to become strong leaders in society.  Furthermore, I wish women to gain greater respect by her male counterparts. Certainly the Church highlights the importance of the woman, emphasizing her important role as a mother, sister, caretaker, and organizer.  The Woman is blessed beyond measure!

I thank God every day for feminine genius, and I'm proud of all the women who are successful proving they are just as capable as men in all aspects of life.  Studies show that countries who provide women with equal opportunities as men profit both socially, psychologically, and economically.   I think about the women of the bible such as Sarah, Ruth, Mary Magdalene, and even our Blessed Mother.  Imagine if they were never part of salvation history!

Of course, the whole idea behind creating woman is the continuation of the human race.  Women bear and raise young.  They are given unique talents by God.  Next time you see the word "woman" think of these descriptions:

Wise. Observing. Maternal.Attentive. Nurturing.

Thank the Lord for the creation of The Woman!  Give a hug and a kiss to a woman today, especially with the approach of St. Valentine's Day!

-J.

The Fire Still Burns...

My hiatus has come to a short end.  I simply can't stay away from writing any longer!  Words and thoughts flow through my veins like a flowing river.  A pile of sticks constructed of weakness, fear and insecurity can't stop the deluge. A solid dam made up of wisdom, intellect, and courage keeps it steady and constant without destroying the surrounding landscape.

God is calling me to write; he's calling me to share my thoughts on spirituality no matter if some people like my style or not.  I can't please everyone's taste.  But, if I simply disappear and don't at least try to help others on their personal journeys, am I really being a good Christian witness?

We all battle struggles to the point where we feel like giving up.  Depression and anxiety are awful feelings.  They make us think that nobody wants us or loves us on this earth; they make any small form of criticism hard to take; they make us "assume" that people think a certain way about us.  Perceptions are so often warped and skewed.

This is where Our Lord comes to the rescue....

The day after I wrote my post titled "Hiatus" I received an email from PrayMoreNovenas.com.  It so happen to be Day One of The Novena to Saint Michael the Archangel for healing and protection.  Wow, I was looking for a "sign" if I should continue this blog and there it was in my inbox.  Along with the novena prayer came along a couple of tweets from blog followers, encouraging me to continue writing. What a wonderful blessing!

One of my bands I listen to when I experience melancholy is Depeche Mode.  In my Amazon music collection I found an old song from the 2007 "Ultra" album that I haven't heard in years.  These past three days I've listened to it over and over again.  It's helped me mentally process through some thoughts.  I think God reconnected with this treasured song in a special way.  The lyrics have a much different meaning to me personally compared to what the band wrote about.

 Here are the lyrics:

 "Insight"

This is an insight

Into my life

This is a strange flight

I'm taking

My true will

Carries me along

This is a soul dance

Embracing me

This is the first chance

To put things right

Moving on

Guided by the light

And the spirit of love

Is rising within me

Talking to you now

Telling you clearly

The fire still burns

Wisdom of ages

Rush over me

Heighten my senses

Enlighten me

Lead me on

Eternally

And the spirit of love

Is rising within me

Talking to you now

Telling you clearly

The fire still burns

I'm talking to you now

The fire still burns

Whatever you do now

You've got to give love

The world still turns

I'm talking to you now

The fire of Christ still burns in my heart.  The Spirit of His Love protects me in times of struggle and doubt.  He quietly communicates with me through people, places, and sometimes "random" instances.  I ponder His message in my mind.  Sometimes I'm a little "slow" at interpreting the meaning.  However, my conscience usually leads me on the right path.  

So for now I carry on with my blog hopefully providing useful "insight" to readers out there.

Lent starts in less than a week!  I already have ideas forming for future posts....Stay tuned!

-J.

Hiatus

Fifth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Can you relate to Job?  Are you depressed at how your life is turning out?  Whenever I read the Book of Job, my heart aches.  I can't understand how God can inflict so much misery on one man.  Sadly, I can relate in some ways.  Fortunately I still have my job, my home, my family and my faith.  I'm not penniless and on the streets.  Yet, I'm still extremely lonely.  I feel struck and dead end.  Depression has taken a bite into my physical and emotional being.  A year ago I'd say I was doing pretty well, but now I'm in an endless situation like Job, trying to pull myself out of despair and negativity.

Jealously, envy, and resentment has permeated my heart so much that I've stopped certain things that I like to do; mainly because I feel like I don't measure up.  I admit I'm not the best writer on the block.  My grammar and spelling can be very bad at times, but I try to communicate the best I can.  I may not be a young and "perfect" teen or college student who everyone has "promising" hopes for.  I may not be a cradle Catholic.  I may not be a wealthy donor who makes the pages of our Diocese newspaper every other week.  I'm just Jennifer - a middle aged woman who loves the Lord and wants to serve him; yet, she feels like an outcast because she's older, a convert, and never married.  

I've turned to blogging as an outlet to share my point of view.  I thank everyone who follows me regularly or just happens to stumble upon a post.  However, I'm not so sure my writing is helping others.  Stats suggest that very few visit my site.

As of today, this blog is on hiatus until further notice.  Just like poor Job, hopelessness has worn me down to the core.  Do I keep pushing forward or give up?  Right now I'm at point of caving in and deleting this blog forever.

I pray to God for a sign of what I should do.  At this point, I'm at a lost.....

-J.

Sacred Rest in a Deserted Place

 Saturday of the Fourth Week in Ordinary Time

Gospel of Mark 6:30-34

Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada  (January 2015)

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The Apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught.
He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.”  People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place.

During my recent trip to Las Vegas, my sister and I  drove through the Valley of Fire State Park, the oldest state park in Nevada.  I was stunned by gorgeous rock formations surrounded by desert landscape.  I imagine God playing with a box of Crayolas coloring the landscape with Burnt Orange,  Burnt Siena, and Brick Red.  He added scenic effects using Olive Green, Tumbleweed and Cornflower.   What a color explosion!  Our Creator probably enjoyed transforming this once ocean oasis into a desert dynamo.  Historically speaking, primitive tribes inhabited this land thousands of years before the birth of Christ.  Amazing how the nomads survived wild life threats and intense desert heat.

I found the Valley of Fire's views refreshing and restorative.  I felt such peacefulness as I took photos from my trusty camera phone.  We observed a desert squirrel hiding underneath a brittle bush.  Even furry cuteness abounds in the landscape.

I understand why Jesus often retreated to deserted places away from the drama and noise of the crowds.  The desert, as well as the mountains, were essential stops for sacred rest.  Christ needed to recharge his spiritual batteries and spend valuable prayer time with His Father.  The demands of ministry wore him down both physically and spiritually.  Anyone who works in the public eye can relate to the need for some privacy every now and then.

When I was around four years old, my mom recalls how I loved to play in my backyard sandbox. It was like my own private get-away; a deserted place where I allowed my vivid imagination to run wild. Our neighbor often practiced his golf swing, so his golf balls always landed in my sandbox!  I'd collect my treasures, toting them around in a Kentucky Fried Chicken plastic tub.  I loved to take utensils from my Easy Bake oven set and make sand pies.  Cook up some yummy pies with golf balls inside! I didn't understand the concept of prayer at such a young age.  However, if I did I would have sang praises to Jesus as I constructed my sandbox creations.

As Christians, we should set aside time each time for private meditation and reflection. Get away from the hustle and bustle of life.  Maybe spend some time in quiet prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament.  Perhaps register for a weekend retreat at a place such as Montserrat. Take a trip to the woods, the mountains, or the desert for some much needed R&R.  Even setting up a private space in the home is a wonderful way of connecting more intimately with the Lord.  When we isolate ourselves in peace and quiet, even for only a short period of time, we can see things in a much clearer light.

“God takes everyone he loves through a desert. It is his cure for our wandering hearts, restlessly searching for a new Eden... The best gift of the desert is God's presence... The protective love of the Shepherd gives me courage to face the interior journey.” 

- Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World

-J.

A Roller Coaster Ride with Christ

A couple of nights ago, I dreamed I bought a railroad train ticket for $100 round trip. I was told I'd be given change at the end of the ride.  I got on the train and as I walked around looking for my seat the train morphed into a roller coaster car.  I strapped myself in a back seat anticipating a high speed adventure over electrified tracks, twirling around in loop de loops .  However, once the ride got moving, we plunged into a downward fall as if jumping off an airplane. I remember we safely landed on the ground with the aid of a huge parachute.  I walked back to the ticket counter to retrieve my $20 in change.  It was already closed.  Then I woke up in a sweat.....

I can't quite figure out why my nocturnal sleep has been disturbed by such intense dreams over the past few months.  This one in particular really struck me as something worth paying more attention.  Is it time to take a "leap of faith" and make for a sudden change in my life; a change that will move my stagnant life in a more positive direction?

Last night when I had another very vivid dream, this time about a significant person in my life, I knew the answer to a decision I'd been wishy-washy about for many months.  The final choice was made, and I'm happy to say I feel relieved.  Out with the old and in with the new. Now I can move on with my spiritual journey in a more appealing way.....

Sometimes we have to cut ourselves away from people and circumstances that no longer benefit in ways which help us grow in holiness.  Negative people and disfunctional situations only leave us stressed out, bitter and resentful. Just like a roller coaster ride, we go through so many ups and downs, and even upside down loops, that only leave us dizzy and nauseated.  How can we grow with Christ if we remain attached to harmful people and situations?  How can we place God first in our lives if we are overly consumed by pleasing others, massaging our egos, or allowing  everyday tasks to rob us of our inner dignity?

One thing I'm very excited about is connecting more deeply with my Dominican spirituality.  I'd like to think of this journey as a slower moving roller coaster without any upside down loop de loops, at least for now!  I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much intellectualism to the point of overwhelm.  Take only micro baby steps.  First and foremost, I need to get my prayer routine regular and consistent.  This is difficult when life happens.  But prayer is truly the foundation of our faith along with scripture reading.

In many ways, I'm glad my mind is active at night.  My dreams may not make a whole lot of sense, and can be frightening at times, but there is much insight which can be gleaned.  It takes a little deciphering  along with the acceptance that nothing stays the same for long.  God is at the forefront of giving us people and situations to aid us in our faith journey.  Sometimes they linger for only a short time like a roller coaster ride.

"God put us here, on this carnival ride.  We close our eyes never knowing where it'll take us next."

-Carrie Underwood 

-J.