1st Holy Communion

"Love of creatures is deceiving and constantly changing, but the love of Jesus is true and permanent....if you hold on to Jesus, you will remain firmly planted forever."  -From The Imitation of Christ

These powerful words from Thomas AKempis went through my mind as my fourteen Faith Formation students lined up in the hallway of the main church.  The girls wore their beautiful white gowns and veils.  (Some of the girls did not meet the "shoulders must be covered" rule, but they looked so pretty and innocent nobody mentioned a word.)  The boys dressed up in suits and ties.  One of the more precocious girls remarked, "Miss Jennifer, I feel like a minature bride!"  Even Father joked about how the the young children looked like they were about to wed.  In many ways, they were getting "married" to Christ by receiving their first communion. Hopefully these precious children will grow to love -- understand the truth and permanency of Jesus Christ!  They will hold on to his Sacred Heart, drink his precious blood, consume his body on a regular basis.  They will become one with Christ and for Christ. I can say this with reservation because I know this may have been the only day in their lives the children will attend Mass or receive communion.  I pray my young ones will continue ongoing religious education and see the importance of Catholic Christianity in their lives.

I admit I'm relieved my class finished for the year.  I never imagined teaching 3rd and 4th graders could be more challenging than college or the workforce.  Many times throughout these past 9 months I've wanted to quit and dump my demanding class on some other poor innocent volunteer.  I was absolutely shocked as a first time catechist to be given such a large class with so many challenging personalities:  the gifted and talented smart, the ADHD, the Down Syndrome/autistic, the bully, the clown, the "mom made me come I don't want to be here" child.  I struggled with discipline and attention each and every class.  Honestly, I don't know how professional teachers do it.  I can see why Faith Formation has a tough time finding volunteers to teach.

Despite all of the headaches and frustrations, I felt a sense of accomplishment when I witnessed the class receive their first holy communion.  Just seeing the children and parents smile made me feel wonderful.  Several people approachment me after Mass to congratulate me for a job well done.  A couple even said they thought I did "great" considering what a large difficult class I dealt with.  I really appreciated the kind remarks.  However, I didn't become a volunteer catechist for any kudos or recognition.  I did it for the children:  I wanted to help them discover the joy of receiving their 1st communion like I did at the Easter Vigil 14 years ago!  (14 kids - 14 years as a Catholic.  Interesting correlation...Never thought about that until now!) 

I pray the children will keep a hold on Jesus and firmly plant Him in their hearts!

-J.

Interior Silence

Can anyone imagine a world in complete silence?  Can anyone imagine mastering the ability to internally block out all of the noise in the world that's so distracting and irritating?  God gave us ears to listen.  Yes, he also gave us a mouth to speak.  But, how often are the words we say (or think) meaningless and totally against God's holy word?  I get tired of all the NOISE of society around me:  radios, stereos, television sets, babies crying, cars honking, cell phone chatting, cell phones ringing, hammering of roofs - noise,noise, noise!! It's hard to THINK with so many noisy distractions.  It's definitely hard to become more intimate with the Lord with so much noise pollution. 

The exterior noise is often what we think of when we talk about "noise pollution."  But, oftentimes our own "interior noise" through obsessive, negative thoughts can be even more polluting.  I'm a thinker and observer.  I'm one of those types of personalities who over-thinks to the point that I will commit a grave sin.  How many times have I thought lustful thoughts about a man who I can never be with?  How many times have I told myself that I'm worthless, no good, ugly, and boring when nothing warrants such thoughts?  How many times have I been angry, resentful, and downright selfish toward others?  Way too many times to keep track of! The Devil has a clever way of keeping our minds undisciplined and LOUD. 

I understand now the need for interior silence where all of my thoughts are focused on God .  This way I strive to imitate HIM in all facets of my life.  It takes practice and patience to quiet my mind.  Who knows all God is trying to tell me, but I'm so "in tune" with my own selfish thoughts that I cannot hear his message.  It's time to tell my mind to "Be quiet and listen to what God has to say!"

-J. 

The Pentential Rains

We experienced a violent, drenching rainstorm last night.  The thunder and lightening was intense.  My little dachshund sat on the bed, staring at the bedroom window with her ears perked up.  She whined and woofed looking at me with her big brown eyes.  In my imagination she was thinking:  "Mommie!  What is all of that noise & light?  I'm so scared!  Is God sending down fire bolts to burn down our house?  All I want to do is snuggle under the bed and be close to my mommie!  I don't want to hear this awful noise!"  The thunder and lightning passed even though the heavy raindrops still pounded on the roof. My little pooch was scared, but I prayed, thanking the Lord for the glorious RAIN that we desperately need.  Texas is in the midst of a severe drought.  The rain lately has been such a blessing.  Spring is alive and in full swing.  The only bad thing about all of the moisture is the amount of weeds infesting my lawn.. 

Rain cleans out the air, it makes the beautiful flowers bloom, it fill ups our lakes, and it provides drinking water.  Yes, it's terrible to drive through and creates damage in torrential flood conditions.  Yet, God gave us rain to help sustain life!  When I suffered through the hottest summer on record (with no rain) I felt parched, dried up, uncomfortable, lifeless.  I desperately wanted to see at least one rain cloud build up in the blue sky.  Nothing!

I find it intriguing how all the rain we've experienced has coincided so closely with the Season of Lent.  I equate the rain as tears from heaven!  I see the Lord crying out:  "Please, Come back to me!  I have so much grace to pour out to you!  Will you tell me your deepest secrets?  I'm here to forgive you for all of the things you've done to offend me!"  Those rain drops touch my hair and my skin.  The coldness and wetness reminds me of what I've done to offend God.  His tears are telling me to change my sinful ways.  That bolt of lightening and thunder of a rainstorm is signaling to me to stop what I'm doing wrong and seek Christ's forgiveness.  Lent is a time of fasting, almsgiving, and penance.  The rain signifies God's love for creation and sustaining life. However, it can resemble God's sadness at his precious humans for being so selfish, so cruel, so unloving, and so departed from his laws.  God's tears of sadness can turn into tears of joy when I follow Christ's ways and not my own selfish ways. What can I do to make amends?  What can I do to harvest the precious rain water for the good of my soul?

-J.

Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Wow, I was moved to tears when I heard a beautiful rendition of "Jesus Loves Me" during Holy Communion at Saturday evening Mass. I've never heard this song in a Catholic church before! I've never heard a jazzy, soulful, gospel version either! I frequent a sister parish on Saturday nights because the music is so wonderful. (I'm not impressed with the music at my regular parish. I opt to attend the early morning Sunday service with no music....) This month the cantor sang what I would call more protestant hymns. Growing up in the Baptist and Methodist churches, I always get excited when I recognize an old "protestant" hymn at Mass. The only thing I truly miss in the Protestant church is the music! The Catholic Church still lacks in excellent liturgical music. Some parishes are better than others. I stay away from liturgies with the folky guitar musical accompaniments. This is what I call non-spiritually lifting but more of a time warp back to the 1960s.....

When listening to "Jesue Loves Me," emotions of the past overwhelmed me. I remember singing this children's hymn when I attended Baptist daycare in 4-6th grades. We always sang it during Wednesday afternoon chapel. I absolutely hated day care! I loathed chapel the worst. The singing wasn't too bad, but when I had to listen to Brother Danny "preach" I wanted to hurl. We always had to memorize bible verses. I never understood the point of memorization if we weren't given an explanation as to the verse's meaning in our lives. I'd sit through the hour of chapel not at all feeling Jesus present. All the talk about "Are you saved?" made no sense! I just didn't get it. (Something was missing. It would take me many years later to figure out the Catholic Church filled in the missing pieces!) All of my early childhood experiences with bullying, hate, jealousy, hypocrisy, lack of self esteem, and feelings of worthlessness came about from this so called Baptist "Christian" day care center!!! I never felt beautiful! I was a non-athletic clutz that all the other kids proudly reminded me of. Those tears I shed during last night's Mass were not only tears of joy knowing Jesus truly loves me through his gift of the Eucharist, but they were tears of deep pain at the trauma I experienced in day care.

After over twenty years, I'm still shocked at the damage those years of the "Jesus Loves Me" Baptist Day Care did to me as a child. Unfortunately, I was exposed to ugly people at such an early age, Christian hypocrites who spoke of one thing but did the complete opposite. I know there are some wonderful,truly genuine Protestants out there who are faithful to Christ's true teachings. My family members are excellent examples of living like Christ. It's just a shame I wasn't exposed to the Catholic Church earlier in my life. I don't know if I'd be able to appreciate its authenticity as much if I was a cradle Catholic. So interesting how the Holy Spirit works in my life: Exposing me to the ugly, but then showering me with good. I try not to live in the past. I need to live in the present. Jesus loves me for the bible tells me so!

-J.

The Old School Confessional

Feeling depressed and out of sorts lately, I thought it would be a good idea to go to confession. It's been a couple of months since my last personal reconciliation. For the most part, I've remained "good" with the exception of frustration on the roads! I've allowed my patience to wear thin and used the car horn a little too frequently. I'm driving too aggressively. To put it bluntly: I simply hate driving! I hate paying for gasoline and tolls. If I could afford a personal driver or a helicopter, I'd hire them in an instant. Forget my adolescent days when I used to love driving to the grocery store to pick up anything, even if it was for a box of sanitary napkins! Driving is a stressful necessity. The sprawling Dallas area makes public trans pretty much a no go unless one is fortunate enough to work Downtown. Unfortunately, I've allowed idiot drivers and transportation woes to make me irritable and cranky.

My regular Confessor is now at a new parish. This past Saturday I travelled quite a way to attend his church's reconciliation schedule. (More driving!!!) I was shocked the church still has the old school confessionals from the 1950s with the red light green lights! I'm used to the modern reconciliation rooms where I can sit face to face with the priest. I find this so much more comfortable than the cramped little confessional box with the screen. Being a Catholic convert and not at all aware of how the old school confessional box thing works, I spoke to a kind man in line who told me what to do. Two priests were available: my Confessor and then the visiting priest. I nervously prayed with my rosary in hand, "Dear Lord, please make sure Father's door opens so I get a chance to talk to him and not the visiting priest!" To this day, reconciliation is the most difficult thing for me to do as a devout Catholic. However, I'm much less nervous and queasy in the tummy when I can go to my regular priest. The line was long and moving very slowly. I noticed two people walked into separate doors on either side of the priest. I was told one person would be in confession while the other person was waiting for the booth screen to open up. (Wow, this takes me back to watching all of those movies with the old confessionals, and I was about to go into one for real life!)

To my relief, Father's confessional door opened up when it was my time to go in. (Divine providence at work!) I walked into the very small room and latched the lock. In a strange way, I felt like I was entering a port o potty when I engaged the lock. The confessional was brown, cold, and very narrow. I wonder how any heavy set person could comfortably fit in this room! I kneeled in front of the closed screen with a crucifix overhanging and the Act of Contrition taped on the kneeler railing. I could hear softly yet clearly the priest speaking with the other penitent! Thank goodness he was only giving her a penance. I would have died if I could hear her entire confession from start to finish. Obviously, no sound barrier in the walls within these rooms. No surprise considering the age. How strange it felt to tell Father who I was when the little screen opened. Most folks don't do this in the old school confessional thing, but I wanted that personal touch I was used to with my priest face to face. I kept the confession brief and concise. Good thing because I didn't like the idea of the person on the other side of the thin walls hearing all of my sins. Despite the uncomfortable arrangement of the confessional, I still felt so much relief after I received absolution. I would have liked to see my Confessor's warm smile but I'm sure he was smiling in his heart as much as I was in mine! I think it's rare these days to find a good Confessor who takes the time to provide real guidance instead of the standard Our Father and Hail Mary penance. I pray in thanksgiving that my Confessor is still within reasonable driving distance. I may not like driving but with God's grace and my own thoughtfulness toward others I can remain calm on the hectic roadways.

-J.

A Case of the Holiday Blues

We just ended the season of Advent and celebrated the Birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ!  Now we've entered the glorious Octave of Christmas.  There's so much I should be thankful for:  employment, a wonderful family, good health, a nice home, the best dog in the world.  Why do I feel out of sorts?  Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the blessings I've been given?  The Holiday blues have set in and they are running deep right now...

I always tend to feel a little down during the dreary months of Winter with shorten days and less sunshine.   But, it seems to be a little worse now that my finances are very tight.  I started a new job back in October.  The high fuel and toll fees because of a much longer commute are really biting into my budget.  It didn't help that I experienced a ton of unexpected expenses all at once:  A vet bill, car repairs, new garage door springs, new electric lighting in the master bathroom!  (Owning a home is not cheap...)  I'm required to build back up my savings very, very slowly!  With God's help, I managed to remain unemployed for only 8 weeks!  Still, those 8 weeks wiped out the little savings I had....Sigh.  It's rough starting over financially.  I'm just glad everyday I was able to pay the mortgage those weeks I was without steady income.

Our former pastor along with parishioners from my church left for a pilgrimage to the Holy Land this week.  I'm just sick I couldn't go with them!  As I wrote earlier this year, it was one of those things where the trip sold out very quickly.  Considering my financial constraints I couldn't afford to go on the trip anyway!  However, hopefully I will be able to visit the Holy Land late next year or early 2013.  By then I should have enough saved up to really enjoy it without a looming credit card bill over my head.

-J.

Celebration of 1st Reconcilation

Bless me Father for I have sinned.  This is my first confession...
Oh My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart....
I firmly intend with your help to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin....
Your sins are forgiven in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.....

I'm absolutely thrilled to participate with my Faith Formation class in celebration of 1st Reconcilation last night.  What a lively, intelligent, and very inspiring group of 3rd and 4th graders!  In the beginning of the school year, I had my doubts if I was cut out to be a Catechist.  It tooks 4 weeks of losing my marbles to finally figure out how this wonderful group of kiddos works!  I've never taught in my life.  I've never babysitted children.  In fact, I always said I never wanted children of my own! I just plain couldn't relate! But as I began to hear the stories they shared, see the smiles on their faces, and answer their thought-provoking questions, I realized that children really are a blessing from God!  They deserve love.  They deserve respect.  They deserve freedom from abuse and exploitation.  They deserve to be cherished.  They deserve to be taught the beauty and richness of our Catholic Faith.  My students have taught me so much!  I never really thought I would learn from them as they learn from me.  I'm really looking forward to preparing them for 1st communion during the Easter Season 2012!

-J.

2011 Advent - A Real Need to Reflect

It's been months since I last posted.  Life has been a world wind to say the least!  During this Season of Advent its time to step back and reflect on my life, my struggles, my accomplishments, my faith, and my hopes.  In this time of watch staying "alert" for not only the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ but his Second Comind is an important stepping stone on my own spiritual journey!

It's time for me to be bored!  Yes, bored out of my mind!  With the hustle and bustle of christmas shopping, home decorating, end of the year charitable giving, and social parties how important to take time away in prayerful meditation to reflect on the true reason for the season.  The secular materialistic world we live in makes it way too easy to forget Advent and Christmas is a tribute and celebration of Jesus.  Not Santa Claus or his elves!  Not expensive toys!  Not Black Friday or Cyber Monday sales!

What would our world be like without Jesus?  What if he was never born?  What if he never existed? Can you imagine no Christmas?  Its sad for me to think secularism influences the faithful into forgetting the true meaning of the Advent season.

How am I experiencing Advent in a more spiritual way?  I'm regularly examining my conscience and doing penance.  I'm attending Holy Mass on both Saturday night and Sunday mornings even when I'm only obligated to one Mass! I'm volunteering as a lay liturgical minister on my out of normal routine.  Moreover, I'm trying to be more patient, kind, enduring, and conscientious of my faith community.  Its tough to get out of myself and my own personal struggles!

I thank God everyday for the blessings in my life. I'm anxiously awaiting for the celebration of his holy birth!  A little boredom isn't bad every now and then, especially when I know Our Lord Savior is coming!

-J.

God-Shaped Hole in My Heart

Last Tuesday night, I attended a wonderful presentation on prayer and spirituality as part of the diocesan catechist certification program. We discussed the call to spirituality and the different methods of prayer. I was particularly intriqued by a quote from the 17th century Philosopher and Mathematician Blaise Pascal:  There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.

How many times in my life have I've used "objects" to make myself feel good: bought a new expensive dress with coordinating shoes and jewelry; engaged in sexual relations with a man out of wedlock; ate a whole package of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in one sitting! Each of these things are misshaped pieces to the heart jig saw puzzle. They may be the right size or color but they just don't quite fit in the right spot. On the other hand, when I seek true fulfillment in Christ, his piece fits exactly into the heart-shaped puzzle! He provides all of the sustenance to make life worth living. He's loving and always there to listen to my troubles. Through prayer, I form a a greater, more intimate relationship with our Lord than any material object. Knowing his presence is always near is a mood enhancer, not a mood deflector!

May I learn to always turn to Christ in prayer and meditation whenever my God-shaped heart is not only broken and distressed, but also joyful and happy!

Teaching Our Little Ones

Since I graduated from the UD Biblical School, I've discerned what to do with my biblical knowledge. Should I go for my Masters in Theology? Should I continue with Adult Faith Formation studies for personal enrichment? Should I become a religious sister or join a Lay Order? Or, should I continue only participating in Sunday liturgical ministries?

After Mass one Sunday, our wonderful priest greeted me.  He asked me how I was doing.  I said all was well and then told him about graduating from the 4 year biblical school.  He smiled and said, "You would make a great catechist!  We are in need of good teachers here at the parish!"  I looked at him with a frown:  "Me, a catechist?  I don't even have children of my own.  I know nothing about kids!  I don't think it's my calling."  Our priest said otherwise, "Nah, Jennifer, you'd make an excellent teacher! You can do it!"  I walked out of the church that Sunday thinking it over:  "Hmmm.....You know, three people have come up to me now saying I'd be a great catechist for the children.  And now Father thinks so, too.  Wonderful! I think I will look into it!"

Over the next three Sundays, listed in the Bulletin, were openings for Faith Formation teachers. I saw nobody volunteering to teach the Wednesday Sacramental Preparation class 3rd/4th grade. Maybe our Lord was reserving that teaching spot for me?!  The following Monday I called the Faith Formation office.  The administrative assistant immediately put me on the teaching roster.  All I needed to do was update my Safe Environment Training online, get my picture taken for an ID badge, and attend two training sessions. 

I met a terrific Italian woman who volunteered to be an aide for the class.  (Yeah, I don't have to teach alone.  I will have somebody with a little experience there to help me out.)  This lady and I originally met earlier in the year at the Lenten Reconciliation Service even though I didn't remember her at all!  We were both in line for confession.  I was so terribly nervous confessing after being away from the Sacrament for 2 years! Interesting this woman and I met at a reconciliation service, and now we will be prepping 3rd and 4th graders for their 1st confession in the Fall Semester.  Amazing how God re-connects us with people and events to help spread the Church's teachings.

We have seen for ourselves, and can testify, that the Father has sent the Son as savior of the world. When anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwells in him and he in God.  (1 John 4:14-15)